technology of care

hi mimi,

how’s it goin?

i’ve been slowly losing my shit while being either at home or heb. i have had the opportunity to buy knitting needles without actually knitting and make some good-textured, bland-flavoured bread. but my roommates and i have been vibing so hard and playing so many rounds of fishbowl and taking evening walks, things that we wouldn’t have time for if we weren’t in quarantine. even with that, i really can’t fucking wait for this to be over. i forgot how much people NEED routine to feel whole. i’ve been lollygagging too much and want to feel like a person again.

yesterday i went on a city of austin permitted stroll to get some time to think because all this time alone has forced me to sit with my thoughts and that rarely goes well. i stopped by this creek that I usually stop at when i’m sad and sat by the water for a while until i thought about the city ordinance and was scared i was gonna get fined for sitting so i sucked those tears back into my eye sockets and went home. pretty lame that i can’t stare at a creek.

i talked to appa this morning and he was hellsa drunk like early early in the morning. which i lowkey kinda get cause i too have been drinking more than i usually do out of boredom. and trying to avoid thinking too much. i have a couple of friends that are doing drugs a lot more because there is NOTHING TO DO. but like mood.

i hope u and miles and beet are holding up and doing ur own version of baking bread and playing fishbowl.

talk soon

love,

nanthini

dear nanthini,

happy 22nd birthday! the world is currently halted in many ways, but i know that whatever future exists for us will demand your innately caring nature and commitment to preserving the terrain and wildlife of this earth. i am saddened that we cannot be geographically close to one another and the order of the world is uncertain at this time, but know that there is comfort in routine, in sun, and, in many ways, the ease of accessing people and their ideas via technology. i personally find a deep comfort in knowing that you exist and practice love and understanding profoundly. i hope that your birthday is filled with clarity and peace, today and every day.

miles and i have been playing scrabble, working, and doing edibles from time to time.

i’ve also been plotting my takeover. i had a conversation with my friend in new york and she practices such deep love that i didn’t know existed in worlds that exist simultaneously with capitalism. she spoke about how capitalists are in need of guidance during this time because we are currently witnessing who places their values exclusively in their productivity and output. we, as radical tamil women who reject notions of productivity and place value in environmental systems and the nurturance of the land, have to help capitalists with their mental health. some of these folks have never taken time to merely sit, reflect, and do absolutely nothing. capitalism is a means of being avoidant—folks can dump all of their efforts into contributing to capitalism without truly confronting themselves. the pandemic is a scenario that no future foresight work predicted and it is forcing people to see the core structures of capitalism fall apart, much like the core structures of people are deteriorating. we must practice love and nurture folks who may have not practiced the same radical politics that we practice. that, i believe, is true love.

all this to say, i am saddened by the impact of a pandemic that resulted from the environmental degradation that humans are responsible for. human activity, productivity, is what caused this honestly. i hope that we can heal our relationship with the world and you can cry by a creek whenever you want.

in regard to appa—it is sadly inevitable. when you give an alcoholic no reason to leave the home, they are going to drink. that, along with the province’s decision to keep lcbos open, even though i would hardly call it an “essential business,” is why self-isolation is an arduous/violent task for many. i wish we could give amma safety during these times, or at least a home large enough where interaction with appa could be limited. i am sorry that you had to experience that so early on during your birthday. i hope that he sleeps early due to the drinking and can give amma and yasha some peace.

alright, i love you and will write to you soon,

mimi acca

hi mimi,

ya it’s kinda odd to think that we have to help people who have fundamentally disagreed with our ways of living. i’ve never thot about how the pandemic is forcing people to face themselves but I was actually able to see that today. my friends and i went to a usually empty park today and it was filled with people (who were still practicing social distancing). it was so great to see everyone go about and just enjoy themselves and their company and the beautiful flowers that come around this time on those trees that we would see on our drive to stony point. and the bluebonnets!! like damn imma miss those when i make like a tree and leaf texas. but facing yourself for too long can be a problem. like i keep finding myself thinking about things i really don’t need to be thinking about too deep and keep circling some ideas that i’m not tryna circle all the time.

liquor stores here are also classified as an essential business but like????? the fuck???? i keep thinking about how awful it would have been if i had to be quarantined w amma and appa, like if this had happened when i was in middle school, and how i would literally hate my life. i’m so thankful to live here lol.

love u 2,

nanthini

hi babes,

thank you for your love and words.

beet is so funny, i will take him on a walk and he will sit or lie on the ground because he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to go back home. one time i had to carry him back and that’s no joke because the guy is sixty pounds! he’s so cute though and i can’t handle it.

what have you done to cope with how you’ve been confronting yourself? do you think any of the confrontation has been beneficial for you? i think those confrontations can be good for a person, if time is taken for that person to recognize that they have grown, they have the potential to grow, and that these confrontations aren’t a part of a person’s permanent state of being. however, the setting of being in a pandemic amid these confrontations is probably difficult because it is very difficult to still deeply care for yourself when you cannot really leave the home. i hope you can cook hefty meals and have conversations with yourself about your love for yourself as well.

i do feel immense pain for those in situations of violence and having to be confined to spaces with their perpetrator. our duty should be to check in with amma and yasha and relieve them of duress when we can, i.e. help out with a grocery bill. i hope they have comfort in long strolls and rest.

i was driving on the highway today and this car was going incredibly fast and i was really thinking, where are you even going? back to your house? what is the point of that speed? i’ve also found immense frustration with people communicating that they’re bored. ok so you don’t have the virus, you aren’t working, you have a home and food, please stop complaining. amma told me the other day that she still has to go to her factory job and the only precaution they take is checking her temperature before she enters the building? it’s inhumane that they are financially forcing brown aunties who are older to work. amma does express that she has friendships at her work, so i hope they are all caring for one another.

i find that i keep using the term “hope” in this email, but maybe that’s how we cope with uncertainty.

giving you a hug from six feet away,

mimi